UPDATE: Hurricane Destruction Report

“I survived the 2011 Hurricane” was the first thing I thought about getting tatoo’d on my forehead this morning; after much deliberation I chose not too.  Enjoy this video from the folk at WNHA, bringing news to us even when we don’t want it.

Anxiety in three: always, something, new.

1.  The MTA reported that in 2009 95% of commuter trains were ‘on time’.  If by ‘on time’ the MTA means 19 minutes late, they’re spot on.

2.  Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the popular Harry Potter films, apologized for disappointing Comic Con fans saying, “I’m sorry I was busy having a life.”

3.  Pigeon poop forced the rock band Kings Of Leon to leave the stage after playing just three songs.  Said the lead singer, “It’s called Rock and Roll, not Rock and roll in pigeon shit!”

4.  On Wednesday police had to gun down a rampaging pregnant cow at a California State Fair.  Said the police officer who shot her, “ It was like my pregnant wife, only I used chocolate fudge ice-cream to calm her down.  I wish they made chocolate fudge bullets…they don’t.”

5.  On Wednesday a key part of the AZ immigration law was blocked, which means police will not be required to ask citizens about their immigration status.  Said AZ racists, “oh shucks”.

6.  The world’s oldest twitter user died on Wednesday at the age of 104.  As she requested, her eulogy will be delivered in 140 characters or less.

7.  This week it was reported that a UPS worker murdered a mother and daughter and set their house on fire, finally revealing what Brown is capable of.

8.  Google may be developing a rival social network to Facebook.  The site would be called ‘Google Me’, which comes with a street view application allowing you to find anyone at anytime.

9.  On Thursday it was reported that one in five Californians say they need mental health care.  More specifically one in five Californian actors say they need mental health care.

10.  This week Facebook let the private details of 170 million users slip.  Revealing that it was a bad idea for people to fill out the optional ‘credit card/exp. date’ section.

Questions or Comments about this product?  I thought between the two of us we could figure out some way to deal with it.

Wait in three: sweat, sit, sweat.

1.  This week Facebook announced that is has over 500-million users and over 500-million users SS#’s.

2.  On Friday, American cyclist Floyd Landis said he “saw Lance Armstrong using drugs.”  He also saw Armstrong, visiting his kids, sleeping, and showering.  Landis is under investigation for privacy invasion charges.

3.  In California, a man was arrested for secretly videotaping a woman using a camera hidden inside her “Chicken Soup for the Soul” book.  Evidently, women bring “Chicken Soup for the Soul” to some pretty weird places.

4.  The White House predicted a record $1.47 trillion deficit will be reached at the end of this year.  I’m just glad I have free health care, a well paying stable job and the power to lie to myself.

5.  It was revealed this week that a Saudi Arabian man chained his son in the basement for six years because he said he was “possessed by an evil female genie”, or “the stripper he met on his 23^rd birthday.”

6.  On Friday, India unveiled its $35 computer in an attempt to connect its students and teachers at affordable prices.  The Linux-based computer is equipped with a screen, a box and a wire.

7.  On Tuesday, Mexican authorities arrested a man for attempting to transport 18 tiny endangered monkeys in his pants.  Also in his pants, a box-cutter, a nuclear weapon and an eco-system for the 18 monkeys to live in.

8.  This week it was reported that Justin Beiber will guest star on CBS’s hit drama “CSI” in the fall.  Beiber will be playing a 16-year-old singing sensation, which will be a real reach for the 16-year-old singing sensation.

9.  It was reported this week that New York City is experiencing its hottest July on record.  Said my non-existent air-conditioner, “you wish you had me now?!”

10.  Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva’s riveting sixth tape was released today.  I hope the 7^th tape is broken up into two parts and released a year apart.

What’s Up New York City? Heat.

Applecomedy is now on Twitter

Follow me on Twitter at @applecomedy for the joke of the day!

Heat wave in three: my, place, now.

1.  On Thursday Argentina legalized same-sex marriages, making Argentina Ricky Martin’s new home.

2.  BP finally put a stop to the leaking oil in the Gulf Coast on Thursday, assuring Americans that it is now safe to go to the beach.

3.  Good News:  Letterman extortionist gets an Emmy nomination.  Bad News:  It’s for his work on the coverage of Letterman’s sex scandal.

4.  Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged!  Let’s hope they have a better connection than the iPhone.

5.  On Thursday the Vatican made revisions to its laws on sexual abuse of children: Rule 1, No more hide and go seek under priests robes.

6.  This week a court ordered a mother not to breastfeed her 6-year-old-son, because the best thing a court can do is put a restraining order on your mother’s breasts.

7.  More than 60 California Beachgoers were stung by stingrays on Wednesday, giving homeless men even more reasons to pee on people.

8.  Bad News: Wesley Snipes is going to prison for 3 years. Good News: He’s probably going to write Blade 4 while he’s in there!

9.  Two police officers are facing charges after an off duty spat that led to one officer using his Taser on the other.  Apparently the dispute was over the meaning of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Inception’, so neither was right.

10.  Police said a man who chased two people down with a chainsaw in South Caroline has been charged with assault.  Chainsaw tag, although fun, is very illegal.

20 First Class Stamps Will Be Waiting Forever.

July in three: pride, birth, fire.

1.  This week in Cosmopolitan Magazine Britney Spears said, “I’m dreading the moment when my sons ask me how babies are made.”  She is also dreading the explanation of God, racism and Kevin Federline’s career.

2.  A new poll shows that California voters are split on Marijuana legalization.  One half wants to smoke it legally and the other half is too stoned to care.

3.  National Incident Commander Thad Allen said on Friday that if all goes according to plan the BP oil spill could be contained by Monday.  He later went on to laugh and then quickly follow up with, “I’m just messin’!”

4. Ringo Starr celebrated his 70^th birthday this week at the Hardrock Café in NYC.  Hundreds of people packed into the Hardrock Cafe to see Ringo, which is one of the largest audiences he has had.

5.  This week the pop sensation Prince said that the Internet is “over”.  Evidently, Prince only uses Myspace.

6.  A 25-year-old woman in California was sentenced to a year in jail for sending hundreds of threatening text messages to herself. Apparently calling the police on yourself isn’t the best way to resolve a problem.

7.  This week LeBron James went to the Miami Heat, sparking conflict for basketball fans everywhere.  In other sports news that I don’t care about, Spain won it’s first ever World Cup.  Let’s move on.

8.  On Friday, Scott M. Stringer, Manhattan’s borough president, refused to get married in New York in what he called a protest of the city’s failure to legalize gay marriage.  Stringer is getting married in Connecticut where Gay marriage runs freely.

9.  This week it was reported that James Cameron is making $350 million from his box office hit Avatar.  Cameron plans to use the money to build a race of Na’vi people in his back yard.

10.  On Sunday, Lance Armstrong announced that his bid for a win in the Tour de France was “over”.  Armstrong suffered from a nasty fall, a flat tire and an enlarged ego.

You can have a magical time dressing up Willy in this enchanting frazzled World.

Communicate in three: savory, efficient, relief.

1.  Wealthy New Yorkers prepared this week for the possibility of a doorman strike, which will most definitely make it harder for rich people to have their groceries delivered.

2.  On Tuesday a judge threw out a case against a woman who was accused of assaulting a TSA agent who allegedly tried to take away her mother’s applesauce.  Said the woman,  “some applesauce is worth punching a TSA employee over.”

3.  A British woman suddenly started speaking with a Chinese accent after suffering a severe migraine.  The woman said she has never visited China but that she “Weawwy weawwy” wants to.

4.  A college fraternity in Alabama banned frat members from wearing Confederate uniforms to parties, because only in the South would a frat have to make that rule.

5.  Eliot Spitzer, the former New York Attorney General, plans on making a comeback to American politics.  Said Spitzer, “It really can’t get any worse.”

6.  Out of prison, Rapper T.I., made a visit to a Georgia Middle School.  Some parents complained of the rappers visit and others waited in the parking lot blasting his music from their Chevy Cobalts.

7.  New Jersey governor Chris Christine plans to shut down New Jersey highway toilets to save money, said Christine, “ Why should NJ pay for bathrooms when there is sh*t all over the ground anyway?”

8.  Thomas Hovis Jr. temporarily avoided arrest by hiding in a vat of liquid manure.  The police tried to handcuff him, but the handcuffs kept sliding off.

9.  After being confronted about his odor, a Washington convenience store customer threw a punch at an employee; I guess when it comes to smell, the customer is always fresh.

10.  This week a TSA employee lost a bomb searching dog in a Virginia airport.  The dog was later found, burying bombs on the runway.

Landlord shall learn the surprising story of milk through the ages.

Puke in three: kill, skinny, cats.

1.  A pornographic magazine for the blind launched this week, the magazine is called ‘Women Getting Brailed’ and features many raised pictures of female love robots.

2.  A 14-year-old girl grabbed the microphone at a New Jersey Whole Foods this week and announced, “ All Blacks Leave The Store.” The girl was arrested for making the announcement and forbidden from shopping at Whole Foods.  She does her shopping at Trader Joe’s now.

3.  Hooters finally infiltrated China and they are teaching their employees English.  This way, when American tourists come in, the waitresses will know how to speak “dumb blonde”.

4.   This week a man was arrested for leaving his baby in his car while visiting a strip club.  After being taken into custody he claimed he was in the strip club to get advice on how to be a good father.

5.   A new study shows that spanking your child may lead them to develop aggressive behaviors.  The study went on to say that not spanking your child also may lead them to becoming a jerk with perfect teeth who is the captain of the football team and starts dating Amanda Stillson, even though you were imaginarily dating her.

6.  This week apple unveiled a ‘faster’ MacBook Pro, which is really the iPad with a keyboard attached.  Said Apple,  “Surprise, WE GOTCHA!”

7.  While promoting Avatar in Brazil, Sigourney Weaver said that James Cameron lost the Oscar because he “didn’t have breasts.” Weaver suggested he CGI hers onto his chest, but Cameron refused.

8.  Kate Gosselin was rejected from Playboy this week.  Said Hugh Hefner, “Why would anyone want to see all those scars?”

9.  This week a Phillies fan was arrested for intentionally throwing up on an 11-year-old girl and her father.  The fan was happy to go to prison, because that is better than being at a Phillies game.

10.  This week it was uncovered that laptops issued to Philadelphia high school students illegally took photographs of students at home.  Said the Principal, “It’s easier to keep track of students when they’re sleeping.”

Office Wars tour daily once they get inside the mind of upright Farmer’s Markets.

Rockstar in three: rested, rosie, hangover.

1.  This week Sarah Palin said President Obama’s move to disarm the U.S.’s nuclear weapons program was like a kid on a play ground saying, “come on, punch me in the face.”  Unfortunately,  she wasn’t on a playground so she could give an example of her theory.

2.  On Thursday Newt Gingrich, a possible 2012 Presidential candidate, called President Obama, “The most radical president in American history.”  Gingrich then receded back into his shell.

3.  This week it was announced that a production of “Corpus Christi”, which features a gay Jesus Christ, will be produced in a Texas playhouse.  The play is expected to debut in May, unless the playhouse is burned down.

4.  In March, the unemployment rate for people aged 16-29 was 15.2%, the highest rate since 1948 and the first time since 1948 that young people cared about not having a job.

5.  On Wednesday, NASA set a record for the most women in space at one time.  On Thursday, NASA set a record for the most sexist jokes told by Houston at one time.

6.  A new study proved that eating greasy meats are healthier in the morning than at night.  Look out McDonald’s breakfast, you’re about to get a lot more popular.

7.  CBS reported this week that more and more job seekers are turning to plastic surgery, because while you’re re-doing your resume why not go all out and get your face done as well.

8.  A new study shows that parents are spending more time with their kids than in previous generations, which makes sense because earlier generations moved out of their houses, which just doesn’t happen anymore.

9.  To combat obesity, New York State is planning on issuing a tax of about one penny per ounce of high-calorie sweetened beverages, which makes obese New Yorkers almost get out of their chairs to do something.

10.  This week an Alaskan man was arrested for illegally feeding Bears, which is the coolest way to be arrested in Alaska.

Quote: A whole grain food is made by using your imagination, so open up your mind cabinet for some sweet golden liberty thoughts.

Upside in three: still, have, health.

1.  This week a Colorado State Trooper was arrested for driving drunk at 7 a.m.  The officer gave himself away after driving erratically with his gun hanging out the window slurring the words “puuuullll ovveerrr, I daaaareee yooouuu!”

2.  A daughter of a Detroit woman refused to get into the car after school because her mom was “too drunk”.  The woman was arrested for drunk driving and possession of marijuana, which is just as bad as living in Detroit.

3.  The 10^th season of Dancing with the Stars premiered this week with such celebrities as Kate Gosselin, Chad Ochocinco and Buzz Aldrin; which is one small step in ratings and one giant step in disappointment for space fans.

4.  This week Atlanta police found a handless and headless woman in a vacant lot.  Said the police, “We have been unable to identify this victim, but if you find a head or a pair of hands please let us know.”

5.  Over the weekend, in an interview with ESPN, Tiger Woods said, “I’ve done some pretty bad things.”  Tiger later clarified that by “bad things” he  meant he “ [expletive] a [expletive] with a horse and then [expletive] it for 3 weeks.”

6.  On Tuesday President Barack Obama signed the Health Care Bill into law, giving future generations of Americans the chance to pay higher taxes.

7.  After introducing President Obama during Tuesday’s Health Care ceremony, Vice President Joe Biden privately told the president, “This is a big f—— deal!”  After the ceremony, Obama told Biden to stop drinking before historic moments.

8.  On Monday Google shut down their China site and also “accidentally” erased most Chinese history from the Internet.

9.  According to the USA Today, “38% of Americans are happy to have a job”, while the rest of Americans are happy to have no job with health care.

10. On Wednesday, Justin Bieber’s Manager was arrested for not canceling a concert via Twitter fast enough.  During the event there was such a frenzy that many people were trampled, unfortunately Just Bieber was not one of them.

“I found that I actually respect games more than people.”